So often this week for many of us is a time to look toward rejoicing. We skip the cross altogether and look at the empty tomb because, unlike Mary and the disciples, we know it is coming. But, what do we lose by overlooking the grief? What did they feel that we rarely take time to feel as we rush around for egg fillers or the perfect easter basket? We spend time to play Easter bunny for our kids and we, of course, take ourselves and our family in their best dress to church on Easter morning to celebrate in bright pastels that Jesus is alive. But do we forget altogether that he made a sacrifice for us to do that?
I wonder what it was like that holy week, nearly 2,000 years ago, for the disciples, for Mary, for close friends of Jesus, for his brother, for all the people who knew him so intimately that they grieved his death in the days that would follow. Did they know he was going to die? We know by scripture that it took his disciples near until he was hanging on the cross to realize what was happening, though, he had told them time and time again. Curiously, we don’t see much about Mary in the scriptures leading up to his death, though. We know she was at the cross because Jesus speaks to her and his beloved disciple, John, regarding their relationship once he is gone. But I wonder, what that grief really felt like? What it felt like on Sunday when he rode into Jerusalem. Or Thursday as they prepared for passover. Or Friday as he was arrested, tried, and crucified. How painful that grief must have been standing at the foot of that cross, mourning the man that they had given up everything for, that man that she had brought into this world. Because they didn’t know something. They didn’t know he was going to be raised to life again, and that grief must have been overwhelming.
This year, Easter is different for me. It is a time of more grief than rejoicing. Don’t get me wrong, I will rejoice that he lives and has paid the ultimate price for my sins. But, this year, I’m grieving a deep loss much like the loss they must have all been grieving, the loss of a beloved brother in Christ and the man I gave up everything to create a life with: my husband. No, he didn’t die a physical death. He still walks this Earth everyday and, in fact, we are still married and I see him every single day. But, he chose to not follow the Lord and made this decision a verbal one last year, Easter. As holy week started yesterday, it dawned on me that I was entering the 1 year anniversary of a very.long. year. I’ve spent this year seeking answers to questions, healing for hurts, and words to describe the emotional upheaval I experienced. And as I focus on the cross this Easter, I think about the brokenness that Jesus Christ died for that day 2,000 years ago, the brokenness that I have experienced in my own home daily for the past year. And I am reminded that our Savior was deeply grieved. And like my own grief, I don’t think it was in vain that they grieved. Though he rose again on Sunday morning, they did not know that. I do not know what will come ahead or if my husband will ever walk with the Lord. I do know that I grieve deeply and partake in the suffering of holy week as I pray for mountains to move and rocks to be rolled away.
Edit: This post was written a year ago (Easter of 2019) and never shared. This year, as we are all facing a very different Easter due to COVID-19, I thought it fitting. Once again, I am finding myself in a season of grief as many of you are as well. You may be grieving school programs, graduations, weddings, family dinners, vacations, etc…. For me, I am grieving fellowship with the body of Christ as I face an Easter alone at home with an unbelieving spouse. Whatever it is for you, as you grieve, ponder the grief that our savior, his disciples, and his mother Mary experienced. And then do what they could not do at the time, take your grief and hold it before him because “We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever…”. (Hebrews 6:19-20 ESV)
